We’re circus performers with smiles painted on our faces, putting on a grand show, entertaining those around us while trying walk that tight rope without a harness or safety net.
Sometimes we struggle just to teeter on the line between the light and darkness. It’s not always the easiest balancing act and having to hide the fact we’re about to tip is the hardest part.
When things in our lives aren’t going well, we’re emotionally exhausted, burnt out or overstimulated… it’s hard to be around other people. To pretend things are alright is the hardest thing to do sometimes. We don’t want to bring others down because we’re down, we can’t explain well enough for others to understand who’ve never felt this way… so we paint that smile on our faces to hide what is lurking underneath the surface. Which ends up sending us deeper into that darkness.
I have to admit… I’m struggling at the moment. I’ve been teetering on that edge for a while and was tipped over the edge into the darkness. This last week there was a major storm that caused the electricity to be down for a week. Not being able to be productive, sitting around for a week in the Energy Vampire’s home (because they have a generator) just pushed me over the edge. Sounds like a very minor thing to most, but when we’re already struggling… sometimes it’s not the major things that cause us to fall. I’ve written another post more about my struggle with Depression.
Depression is such an ugly term seen by others. We’re made to feel weak, moody or just melodramatic. They ask, “What do you have to be depressed about?” They only see what we want them to see. They’ll never be able to step outside themselves to begin to understand someone else’s struggles and pain in life. As I sit here and write, I’m struggling to find my words. It’s hard to find the words to explain how it is we feel when we get this way… it’s like how do you explain the feeling of salt on a wound to others? But others who feel this get it. It’s not necessary to try to make someone who hasn’t understand, because they never will.
I know what this is… It’s that all too familiar guest. That overwhelmingly numb on the surface, deep pain that’s been my companion for years. I just have to decompress, reset and slowly make my way back to the surface, next to the edge. Getting a good amount of distance, being productive and adding value to my days is part of my process to getting back to my normal.